Dear Diary
by Dark Roswellian Angel
Summary: Someone knows a lot more than they should about our favorite transgenics. But who is it and how do they know? Get a lot of unusual insight on what exactly has gone down from the beginning.
1. Hello

Title: Dear Diary

Author: Dark Roswellian Angel

Elizabeth McDowell

Disclaimer: Okay, you know what? I do own this. I own all of this. It's all mine and I'm only sharing from the goodness of my heart. And by the way, Alec is all mine, too. And I'm not sharing him anymore. So there.

Just kidding :(

Copying/Downloading/Posting: Please let me know first, and let me know where my work will be posted as I would love to come visit it. Make sure that it is put under my name, as I would love to hear how others feel about it. Thanks ;)

Rating: K+, just in case

Synopsis: Someone knows a lot more than they should about our favorite transgenics. But who is it and how do they know? Get a lot of insight on what exactly has gone down from the beginning.

A/N: Keep in mind that I don't actually like Logan- I'm still _usually_ nice to him in my fics, but as a general rule I don't actually like him. I make no promises for how (or if) he'll be making it out of this one. Also, I'll be changing a few things around but I will basically keep to the script- poetic license and all that jazz. Finally, extra credit to whomever can figure out first what other fic of mine this is related to.

* * *

As I look down at this page, I'm not entirely sure what to say- except for maybe, "Hello." I'm sure that's not exactly what you were hoping for, maybe even expecting. I'm sure you thought that my first words to you would be inspirational and emotional and explain why I wasn't there for the first 17 years of your life, but after thinking about it (agonizing over it is probably more like it) I've realized that there simply is no right way to step into someone's life. Maybe that's why I'm doing it this way; because this way you can get some idea of what my life has been like- all the steps that brought us together and then separated us only to bring you back into my life without even knowing it- all in one easy sitting. Well, easy for you anyway.

Then again, maybe I'm really doing this because I'm scared out of my gourd how you're going to react to all of this. And maybe I'm still really just a coward when you get right down to my core. After all, I may not be sure how to tell you everything that I need to tell you, but I am completely sure that I am the last person in the world that you're expecting to tell you any of this. And, to be truthful, I'm kind of worried that might mean that I'm the last person in the world that you would _want_ to be the one to tell you this. Yeah, maybe this is just the easiest way to see how you're going to react to my story, and part of yours, without having to actually put myself on the line where you could easily reject me. 'Cause I don't know how I'd react to that, but it wouldn't be good. Not in the "I can still walk around and function" sort of way.

So, I guess I've been putting it off for long enough- it's time to actually dive into this mother and let you in on it. But not all of it. Not yet. Because I still need time to figure out how to put it. So, for now, you're going to have to deal with my jumbled up thoughts- hopefully you'll be willing to indulge me and read this thing (I refuse to call it a diary- men don't have diaries- at least that's what my dad used to say, 'course then he'd go spend a few minutes writing in his lifebook, and I don't really see the point of playing with semantics, but then again- oops, I guess I was rambling) even though it probably won't make much sense. So, here it goes:

I remember the first time I saw her. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen- long auburn hair, slender frame, these tiny little fingers that fit perfectly in my hand, these long feet that somehow fit her with these toes that were more like midget fingers than toes- she could even write with them- I loved making fun of her for them but I was actually kind of jealous, this amazing smile that could light up a room- I know people say that a lot but it really was true with her, this adorable little dimple on her left cheek, and those eyes. Ahhhhh, I don't really know how to describe her eyes- picture a moonlit pond in a deep forest during winter but instead of iced over somehow the pond has managed to stay warm just because it wants to be able to let all the animals that come to it drink, and then imagine this incredible warmth that gets inside you and warms you from the inside out, and add a pinch of spice, and you'll be able to begin to understand what it was like to lose yourself in her eyes.

The first time she looked at me, I remember feeling like a deer caught in the headlights- like I couldn't move. I even felt myself starting to panic. Even after everything I'd been through, all the conference rooms full of people that I had addressed, the dignitaries that I'd met, the politicians that I'd spent time with, the international stars that I was on a first name basis with, the publicity I'd received, that moment was the scariest, the most intimidating, the most exhilarating moment of my life, and I had no idea how to react. She told me later that she'd felt the same way, but that's always been hard for me to believe. After all, I was seeing her for the first time- she was only seeing me. And she was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen.

I think the thing that amazed me the most was that with how indescribably beautiful she was on the outside, her inside practically blew her outer shell away. It was hopeless. I didn't have a chance. There wasn't anything else I could have possibly done- I fell completely, head-over-heels, eternally in love with her, and I never looked back. I had dated a lot of wonderful women before her, but after I met her and realized what it felt like to finally find your soulmate, I realized that there had never been any other woman that I could ever be with- before or since. And the fact that she felt the same way- I can't even describe how that felt. To know that I'd found someone I could love for the rest of eternity and that they loved me just as much. To finally feel the part of me that had been missing, to feel complete for the first time in my life. She matched me- in every way. She understood me, and appreciated every piece of me that had felt like it didn't quite fit in with the rest of the world.

I don't know what day my life changed more- the day that I met her. In that second that I saw her twirling her dizzying circles on the ice and couldn't look anywhere else, that second that she stopped as though she could feel my eyes and looked right up at me as though she'd been waiting for me to show up. The moment I heard her voice, her laugh, saw her smile at me as though I were the only person in the world. That whole day was magical. Or maybe it was the day that she agreed to marry me- we'd been out horseback riding through the canyon. She'd made a delicious picnic and we climbed a small hill so that we could watch the sun set. Just seconds before it disappeared, I asked her if she would be mine forever, and after she said yes, we held each other and watched as the sunset spread across the sky. I don't think I've ever seen another sunset that even came close. It could be the day that we promised to be together for the rest of our lives (you know I've never liked that phrase- in fact, as we said our vows we refused to say it, instead we vowed to be one through all eternity, to belong to each other as one half of a heart belongs with the other, to never leave one another's side even when one of us was no longer able to see the other for a time because our souls could never be separated). Surrounded by our friends and family, the only person whose voice I could hear, whose eyes I could see were hers. She was the only person I could focus on for more than a minute that whole day. I couldn't believe that she was actually mine, and yet it felt so right that I couldn't even consider denying it. That night was magical. Every day with her was magical.

So, you're probably wondering, and it makes sense to wonder, why I'm alone now. If we were so right for each other, if we made each other so happy, if we fit so perfectly together, then why would she leave me? Where is she? What happened to us? Why did our love end? But I'm not ready to tell you any of that yet. I'm not to that point of the story. And you'd be wrong to wonder all that anyway.

No, I guess the part of the story that I need to start with is the point that brings me to you. See, I am- was anyway- a world renowned mind. I was a scientist, an author, a doctor. I was invited to oversold auditoriums all through the world to present my theories, my concepts for world development.

You know, considering the fact that I was at one time considered to be one of the top 10 minds in the past 2000 years, you'd probably expect me to write better- you know grammar and all. But you should be grateful. At least I've gotten more legible. She used to tease me about that- she said that she could tell I was a doctor just from my handwriting. She was always so good about keeping me real. She was never intimidated by me- she was the only person I ever knew who could tease me like that. She always respected me, let me know she thought the world of me (which I never felt worthy of), but she had fun with me. Never in a mean way- she was even more protective of my feelings than I was, but she helped me feel as though I didn't have to be perfect. When the stress of what I thought were the world's expectations started to get to me, she would remind me that I was just as human as everybody else. I'm probably not saying it right, but it really helped. She really was an amazing woman.

So, anyway, it was a lot of fun for a while there. I was able to outdo pretty much everyone around me. I could stump everybody, well except for her sometimes. And I loved how my theories could help people. And I got paid really, really well for those theories, though it was never about the money. But it did make things easier, for a while anyway. And that money helped give me the time and resources to be able to develop and check more theories- to put together experiments and projects thereby producing enough research and data to support or negate my concepts. It was like a self-perpetuating cycle- theories equaled more money equaled more time and resources equaled more supported theories. Unfortunately, it also equaled more attention, the bad kind. Though I had absolutely no idea that it was the bad kind at first- guess that just goes to show that I'm just as human as everybody else. She would have gotten a kick out of that realization. But, I'm getting off track again.

See, we wanted kids. We were so in love and so happy that we didn't feel like it was right to hold it all in. We wanted to share our happiness with others. We knew that we were young (after all I was just barely 22 and she was over 2 years younger than me), but we wanted to take that next step and have our love in physical form. Unfortunately, we had some problems with that. She'd been in an accident years before we met and it had caused a build up of scar tissue that made it difficult for us to conceive and even more difficult for her to bring it full term. I remember when the doctor told us- I didn't even think about it for half a second. I immediately began working on theories for treatment that would solve the problem. I guess I should have been more about supporting her verbally and helping her with any emotional wounds that it may have caused her, but I was so dead-set that we were going to be able to have children that it didn't even occur to me that she might have self doubts. It took seeing one of my colleague's reactions for me to realize what I had missed, and then I was in a panic to make sure that she knew how much I loved her and that this didn't change how I felt and to explain why I hadn't reacted in a gentle and supportive manner. I must have broken just about every speed limit there was getting home to her to reassure her. I think it kind of proves how perfect a match we were that she laughed it off saying that it hadn't even occurred to her to be upset- she had simply expected her "genius husband to fix everything and hadn't worried for a second."

So, that was the mindset we were in when they found us, and I guess maybe that could serve as a kind of excuse for why we didn't realize what was going on until it was too late. Not that I think it could ever be a good enough excuse, but I am hoping that one day you'll be able to forgive us. Forgive _me_. For not being there for you, for not protecting her. For not stopping them.


	2. The Program

Title: Dear Diary

Author: Dark Roswellian Angel

Elizabeth McDowell

Disclaimer: Okay, you know what? I do own this. I own all of this. It's all mine and I'm only sharing from the goodness of my heart. And by the way, Alec is all mine, too. And I'm not sharing him anymore. So there.

Just kidding :(

Copying/Downloading/Posting: Please let me know first, and let me know where my work will be posted as I would love to come visit it. Make sure that it is put under my name, as I would love to hear how others feel about it. Thanks ;)

Rating: K+, just in case

Synopsis: Someone knows a lot more than they should about our favorite transgenics. But who is it and how do they know? Get a lot of insight on what exactly has gone down from the beginning.

A/N: Keep in mind that I don't actually like Logan- I'm still _usually_ nice to him in my fics, but as a general rule I don't actually like him. I make no promises for how (or if) he'll be making it out of this one. Also, I'll be changing a few things around but I will basically keep to the script- poetic license and all that jazz. Finally, extra credit to whomever can figure out first what other fic of mine this is related to.

* * *

**The Program**

"Are you sure you're alright with this?"

"Honey, it's a great honor that they're asking you to participate, right?"

"Well, yeah. But-"

"Plus, this isn't just going to help them. We're getting what we want out of it, too, right?"

"Well, yeah, but it's not like I couldn't eventually come up with a solution myself. I have a couple of ideas that really seem to be panning out."

"I know sweetie. And I know that you could totally fix everything for us, but why not let them do it since they've already come up with a remedy that has worked for other women?"

"Yeah. I know it makes sense. I don't know why I'm hesitating. I mean, it sounds as though it's everything we've been looking for, and free to boot. It's just that... I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right."

"Well, if you don't want to do it, we can just say no. We don't have to do things the easy way if you don't want to. I know how much you like to figure everything out yourself," she teased.

With a self-deprecating grimace, "Okay, okay. I get it. But it really isn't my ego, you know."

"Reeeeally," she smirked. "It isn't because you're the most brilliant person in the world and they want your genes to improve their little science experiments and you just don't want to share, huh?"

"Second most brilliant person in the world."

"Second?" her adorable little eyebrow rose.

"Next to you."

Her lips pursed sarcastically, "Whatever. You with your 452 I.Q. You're well-aware that you make everyone else look like they're in preschool while you're graduating with honors."

"Oh, I don't know about that." With an arm slung over her shoulder, "There are definitely times when you can outdo me."

She bit her lip seductively and winked, "Well, maybe in the looks department, which I'm just fine with."

Making a face, "Yeah, just like that. I totally set myself up for that without even realizing it, and you were much quicker than me and took me up on it."

"You know I was just kidding. You know I think you're the most handsome man in the whole world."

Looking up at my doubtful face, she walked over to me and put her arms around me, "It's true. I couldn't even imagine finding another man attractive."

"Well, then I guess we'll have to join their little program. Looks like ours shouldn't be wasted."

She smiled up at me, "Can you imagine how adorable our kids are going to be?"

"No matter how cute they wind up, they'll never be able to outshine their mother," I said before bending down to meet her lips.

------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------

Okay, so you probably didn't want or need to know all of the details, but I wanted you to know why we did what we did. Looking back, I can see how horribly flawed our logic was and what we should have said to them. But we didn't understand back then.

So, I'm sorry that it's been a few days since I wrote. I know that when I give this to you, it won't really matter that I wasn't able to get back to this, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to get this to you soon, and the longer it takes to put it all together, the longer it's going to take to give it to you.

Work's been a bear lately. I had to fire this guy that I really, really didn't want to fire because he was doing something illegal. And the last thing that I can take a chance on is having the popos checking out my business. It's not just me that I'm protecting when I try to avoid getting governmental attention- I have some very precious "things" to protect, and I will never do anything, or stop from doing anything, to protect them. But, the result of firing him was that his co-workers got pissed at me, which I hate. I hate it when they're mad at me- I mean really mad, not the boss-man's-making-us-work kind of mad. 'Cause that kind of mad is kind of a game between us. It's when they honestly think that I'm a horrible person that I can't stand. Like when they thought that I wouldn't help out with Theo's remains money. It wasn't that I wouldn't have helped out- in fact, it's not like that much money was a big thing for me. It was that I was still reeling from his death and that I was wondering how some of his co-workers were dealing with it and that threw my focus off just long enough for it to, I guess, seem that I was reluctant to pay. Actually, that's not entirely true. I was actually a little reluctant to pay, but not because of the amount of money and not because I didn't care about Theo. I was reluctant because I have this whole reputation/character dog-and-pony show that I put on to cover up who I really am, and I'm scared of letting people see the real me. I'm scared of dropping the charade because then the real me is open to rejection. And I'm scared to death of having people question whether the me that they see is the real me or not because if too much truth about me came out, it could open another person to questions. And I couldn't live with being the person who put that person into danger.

So, anyway, all my employees got pissed at me, and they did this whole slow down deal. Then, this great guy showed up. Exactly the type of guy that I've been hoping would show up. My Golden Boy- only as much as I liked him, he never quite fit the bill. He wasn't smart-alecky enough. But I could still tell that he was special, you know in that specific "special" kind of way that means that he's either an angel in disguise or an agent of the devil itself. I made a point of hooking him up with the right co-worker, but then somehow it didn't work out. He disappeared. Took his packages with him, too. I wonder what happened there. I hope he's okay- I would love to have him show up again. It would be kind of fun to have two of them here- as long as it didn't endanger the first. After all, the first's safety is my primary concern.

Anyway, it's time to get back to my explanation. See, we thought it would work out. They promised us that she would be able to get pregnant and that it would be a healthy pregnancy. They said that they'd had success with individuals in our situation before. They said that the baby (and mother) would be healthy and that they would leave our family alone except for yearly tests that they would want to do just to insure that everybody was still doing well. They promised us the cure to all our problems at very little cost to us- just a little of my DNA they said. And we were so focused on what we wanted that we didn't even realize that we were making a deal with the devil.

So, that's how we got involved. We let our desires blind us to the kinds of people we were working with, and at first everything seemed to be going really well. I worked it into the contract that our child would be made with both of our DNA, which they didn't have a problem with although they demanded that they add other people's too. So, they created this cocktail- they didn't tell us what exactly was in it except that my DNA was included in it (they actually seemed pretty happy about that) and they took one of her eggs and popped the whole deal into some kind of tube where they surgically combined everything. That way they could make sure that it took before inserting the fetus into her. Meanwhile, they operated on her to clean her out as much as they could and put her on a medication schedule to prepare her for placement. Trust me, it wasn't always fun to be around her with all the mood swings and sickness the pills created, but they said that the medications were to simulate pregnancy so that the body would be able to take care of our child. With that preparation, the surgery, and the fact that they would be keeping the child in safe laboratory conditions until the most dangerous stage was over, they expected a 97 percent likelihood of successful delivery. We were so happy that we didn't ask many questions- maybe we were afraid of the answers.

We decided to pretend that she was actually pregnant so that we could experience everything that other expecting parents did. We became so excited we could hardly see straight. We got to play the part of proud almost-parents and announced that we were expecting to everybody who would listen. We got the nursery ready and even put our baby on the waiting list for the best preschool on the continent. It became impossible to walk through a clothes store without stopping in the baby's section- checking to see if there were any new toys or supplies, wishing we knew the sex so that we could buy this or that adorable outfit. I even bought a little pitcher's glove- I didn't care if it was going to be a boy or a girl, it was going to be able to do any sport it wanted. The only thing that was missing was the lump- she couldn't wait to be "forced" into wearing maternity clothes. The day that they put our baby into her was one of the happiest of our lives, and I secretly loved that she would only be pregnant for a few months because that meant that she would be in less discomfort than other women.


	3. The Birth

Title: Dear Diary

Author: Dark Roswellian Angel

Elizabeth McDowell

Disclaimer: Okay, you know what? I do own this. I own all of this. It's all mine and I'm only sharing from the goodness of my heart. And by the way, Alec is all mine, too. And I'm not sharing him anymore. So there.

Just kidding :(

Copying/Downloading/Posting: Please let me know first, and let me know where my work will be posted as I would love to come visit it. Make sure that it is put under my name, as I would love to hear how others feel about it. Thanks ;)

Rating: I'm changing this to T

Synopsis: Someone knows a lot more than they should about our favorite transgenics. But who is it and how do they know? Get a lot of insight on what exactly has gone down from the beginning.

A/N: Keep in mind that I don't actually like Logan- I'm still _usually_ nice to him in my fics (nicer than I feel I need to be anyway), but as a general rule I don't actually like him- memories of overbearing ex-boyfriend or something like that. Anyway. I make no promises for how (or if) he'll be making it out of this one. Also, I'll be changing a few things around but I am trying to keep this flowing with the plotline of the actual series; hopefully you'll be able to figure out where we are in the series as this goes on. Finally, extra credit to whomever can figure out first what other fic of mine this is related to.

* * *

**The Birth**

It's been a while since I got back to this. Sorry again. This time it was actually an emergency though. One of my employees disappeared- she was framed for a murder she didn't commit and by the time I found out about it, it was too late to warn her. I tried to find her- I called in just about every favor I had coming to me to find out that she had escaped a police net. I even went into the station under the guise of turning her in just so that I could be there if any information came in. I was hoping that I might be in a position to help if she needed it. When I found out that she'd escaped, I wasn't surprised. She is absolutely amazing. But I was panicked- I knew the chances of her staying in Seattle weren't good. After all, with her training, it would have made a lot of sense for her to take off. I started tracking her down- there was no way I'd be staying here if... Well, that's for later. Anyway, I tracked her down to a cabin out in BFE, but she left before I was able to get there. Then next thing I know, she's been arrested at a hospital where she was transfusing some guy. Before I'm able to do anything (I'm starting to get really tired of being too late to do anything- I'm going to have to work on that) the Golden Boy (well, maybe he's more of a Copper Boy) that I told you about before shows up and takes the rap for the murder and she gets released. Then I hear that the helicopter transporting Copper Boy went down and he's dead- only she's acting like she thinks otherwise. Things around here have been crazy since then, and I haven't dared do anything out of the ordinary or write anymore just in case this book (still refusing to call it a diary) was discovered. I refuse to put anything in jeopardy just so that I can get some things off my chest.

So, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. The worst moments of my life- yay, so glad I remembered. Moving on. Finally, the time arrived. They wanted us to be in their hospital, which made sense at the time- it was their procedure that had resulted in our child, we had only seen their doctors, and they seemed to have a vested interest in making sure that both mother and child came through the delivery successfully. It seemed a little strange that they required she go in almost a month before delivery, and I was horribly lonely without her since they wouldn't let me stay there, but they said it would be best for them to be able to monitor them both at all times. I wanted to do whatever was best, so I didn't put up a fuss. They were extremely strict with the short visiting hours they allowed me, but again I wanted to do what was best for the two loves of my life. And I got this strange feeling that she wasn't acting like herself when I was there, like there was something wrong, but I told myself that I was imagining things because it didn't feel right to wake up without her beside me. I told myself that everything would be okay after she delivered- in fact everything would be perfect. I was wrong.

The day that she went into labor, they called me. They told me that something was wrong. The second the words came over the line, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. Every cell in my body was screaming that it had known something was wrong, and that it wasn't natural. I could feel that they were lying to me, and somehow I knew that whatever was happening was because of them. I was almost sure that they were doing something to her, to them, and that if I could just get to them in time that I could stop them and fix everything. I don't even remember driving there- I was so focused on being there and developing a theory to save the day.

When I got there, everything seemed so off. They were too calm and comfortable- almost too rehearsed- in what they were telling me. They seemed too unaffected when they told me that my wife was dying and there was a good chance that the child would be lost as well. I should have realized why- they seemed like they were rehearsed in their delivery of the news because they were- this wasn't the first time they'd done this to a couple.

I demanded to be let in to see my wife, but they kept putting me off. By the time they let me in, she was no longer coherent. I could see the confusion in her eyes, the panic, and she kept trying to tell me something, but everything was gibberish, or at least that's what it seemed. I mean, who would have believed the monstrous stories she was gasping out could possibly be true?

Then they wheeled her out for the "delivery." Again, I wasn't allowed to be with her. And half an hour later, my world was destroyed as they said that she was dead and the baby wasn't expected to survive the night. Three hours later, they let me see my child- the most beautiful baby in the whole world even with all the cords. Cutting through the pain of loss, I could feel the love that I would have for this child for the rest of my life. I remember thinking that the child's color seemed so healthy and the movement seemed so full of life that my little one just had to be able to survive. They still hadn't let me see my wife's body, but I was transfixed watching our child's chest rise and fall until they told me that they needed me to wait outside. I didn't want to leave. I had just lost my wife without being able to say goodbye- I couldn't bare the thought that I wouldn't be there when I lost this precious part of her. Two hours later, they told me that the only living reminder of my wife's and my love was gone, too. I remember falling to the floor and weeping for the first time in my adult life. They eventually got a wheelchair and helped me into it, wheeling me out to the street where a taxi was waiting to drive me home. I was so lost in my despair that I didn't even think to ask to see either body.

When I finally did see their bodies, I remember thinking that something was off. I refused to believe that it was because I was used to seeing my sweetheart full of life, not this empty motionless shell. There was something else. I was sure of it. No matter what anybody else said or what proof they offered, I could feel that they were holding something back. I wasn't sure what it was, but I needed to know whatever it was that they weren't telling me.


End file.
